A note on choosing joy
The last few weeks I’ve found myself in a bit of a funk. I think lockdown fatigue has been kicking in for lots of us recently, but what I’ve been finding really tough in the last week or so is the many reminders of how life should have been looking during this period.
Last Monday marked my Mum’s birthday, a day we’d planned to celebrate in her garden with my Dad’s cooking and a bottle of fizz. This past weekend was a bank holiday here in the UK, and my family and I should have been in the Cotswolds, exploring the chocolate box villages or hanging out in the garden of the dreamy house we booked way back in November. And then next weekend, my husband and I were due to be flying to Boston to start an epic American East Coast road trip, with an itinerary that included whale watching, lake swimming, mountain climbing, city hopping, outdoor gigging and plenty of time at my favourite place - the beach.
Seeing those plans marked on the calendar has been hard. I feel like I have to caveat here that it’s obviously not hard in the same way that being a key worker is hard, or that losing a loved one is hard. I know how privileged I am that a cancelled holiday is my biggest concern right now, that the fact that I’m not dealing with grief or loss or financial hardship makes me one of the lucky ones. And yet, it is still hard. Because those plans marked on the calendar represent more than just a holiday or a weekend away - they represent memories that would have been made, dreams that we’d worked hard to bring to life, moments of joy that aren’t available to us anymore.
And I think that’s what has been tripping me up recently - that idea of lost joy. The arrival of those dates that once held so much promise has forced me to think of what could have been, and instead of living right here right now, taking each day as it comes, I’ve been getting lost in a dream world - a world where I’d be laughing with my family right now, or planning holiday outfits, instead of sitting on the sofa writing this letter to you all.
I’ve spent a lot of time in that dream world this week, imagining what might have been. But I’ve had to let it go, because thinking in that way is a fast track to misery and frustration and disappointment. Life isn’t like it is in the movie, Sliding Doors - there’s no version of events being lived out in a parallel world where coronavirus doesn’t exist. There’s no alternate reality where those plans still get to go ahead. All there is is the life that we have right now, the reality that exists right in front of us. And to truly find joy, we need to let go of the dream world, and allow ourselves to be fully immersed in real life. To embrace it for all that it is. That’s a lesson that’s worth holding onto long after this global pandemic has passed.
And so that’s exactly what I’ve spent the last week or so doing. I’ve been letting go of how I thought this season of life was going to look, and instead embracing the reality of it. I’ve been finding magic and adventure in sunsets and good books and my daily walks. I’ve been savouring the slower mornings, and appreciating the quality time with my husband. I’ve embraced the extra time in the garden, felt the sun on my face, enjoyed the feeling of not having to be anywhere. I’ve committed myself to squeezing every drop of joy out of this season, even though it looks so different to how I thought I would.
And I’m sharing this here today to remind you to do the same. While we’re clinging on to those old hopes and dreams, we’re missing the magic right in front of us. So shake them off, let them go. And then, choose joy. Because my god, there’s still plenty of it to go around.
