On feeling worthy
This essay first appeared in my newsletter, The Weekly Pep Talk. If you’d like to subscribe for a big old dose of positivity in your inbox every Sunday, you can sign up here.
Hands up if you’ve heard of arrival fallacy? It’s a phrase used to define the illusion that once we achieve a goal or reach a milestone we’ll be happy. You know the drill - “I’ll be happy when I’ve lost 10lbs/fallen in love/bought a house/got that promotion/[insert any other goal or dream here]”.
The problem with approaching life in that way is that any contentment we feel is short lived. Yes, there’s a burst of happiness that comes with achieving something we’ve worked hard towards, but that happiness quickly fades, and before we know it, we’re pinning all our hopes of contentment on another goal or dream.
I could write for hours about arrival fallacy and how it trips us up, but the premise is simple - achievement doesn’t equal happiness. And I think we all know that, deep down, don’t we? Because if it did, I’m pretty sure that the world would be a much happier place.
But instead of diving deep on arrival fallacy today, I wanted to write another pattern of thinking that’s similar. A pattern of thinking that I see my coaching clients struggle with just as much (if not more) than arrival fallacy. A pattern of thinking that I’m rather inelegantly dubbing “the myth of worthiness”.
It follows a similar pattern to arrival fallacy, but the end goal of happiness is replaced with worthiness. Sometimes it doesn’t show up in our language as clearly as “I’ll be worthy when I achieve this milestone”, but it’s a thought process that underpins so much of the action we take (or often, the lack of action).
“I’ll buy that dress I love when I’ve lost a bit of weight”. “I’ll invest in my business once I’ve got a few more followers on Instagram”. “I’ll make more time for myself when the kids go to school”. “I’ll get an early night once I’ve delivered this project”. “I’ll start prioritising my health when things quieten down”. Sound familiar? Perhaps your phrase is different, but I’m guessing that you have one.
Often, the feedback I get from clients is that none of those things have anything to do with worthiness. They’re about a lack of money or time, problems that are very real and have nothing to do with how worthy they feel. They assure me that once they’ve made the money or found the time, they’ll crack on with whatever it is they’re craving.
And I empathise with them, because I’ve been there myself. I’ve convinced myself that there was some far off point in the distance when everything would fall into place, and I’d feel great about investing in myself and taking care of my health and committing to my boundaries.
But do you know what I’ve found, both from my own experience and the experience of my clients? That that time will never come if, deep down, we still don’t feel worthy of whatever it is our heart desires. I know women who earn huge sums of money, but never take their allotted holiday allowance. I know women who have childcare on tap, and still won’t take an evening for themselves. I know women work next door to a yoga studio, or have a perfect running route on their doorstep, and still tell themselves they can’t manage a workout.
It’s not a lack of money or a lack of time that is holding these women back. It’s a lack of belief that they are worthy of the holiday, or the child-free evening, or the workout. I know because I’ve been there. I’ve been the person who lusts after a gorgeous item in a shop, and then tells myself I don’t deserve it because I’m not a size 8. I’ve been the person who spends every evening working because I didn’t believe I’d earned a night on the sofa watching Netflix. I’ve been the person who was ready to level up in their business, but didn’t believe that either me or my business were worthy of investment.
My reluctance never stemmed from a lack of time or money. My reluctance was caused by a lack of worth. And there’s no surprise there - society has a field day telling women that we aren;t worthy. We’ve all been absorbing that crap since before we could even read.
But can I tell you something? I am worthy. You are worthy. We are all worthy. And we are worthy right here, right now, as we are. We don’t need to change. We don’t need to fix anything. Our worth is not earned via productivity or sacrifice or hustle. Our worth is not waiting for us on the other side of a goal or milestone. It is here, right now. We are worthy, right now.
I know that that’s a big concept to grasp. I know that that probably goes against just about everything you’ve been taught about worth. But I want you to think about it. I want you to let that concept bed into your mind. Just as arrival fallacy has helped us to accept that achievement doesn’t equal happiness, I want you to try to understand that achievement also doesn’t equal a sense of worthiness.
And above all else, I want you to ask yourself this question: what would you do right now if you believed you were already worthy? How would you live your life differently if you believed that you were worthy of whatever you desired?
Because it’s from that place that we make decisions that empower us. It’s from that place that we prioritise the things most important to us. It’s from that place that we begin to cultivate the coveted sense of self worth.
So today, sit with those questions. Let them roll around your head. Hit reply and tell me what comes up for you, if you like. And then do one small thing for that version of you who is already worthy. Because operating from a sense of worthiness is just about the most rebellious thing you can do.
