On choosing to look for the good
This month will mark 4 years since the worst experience of mine and my family’s life. In August 2016 we headed off on what was supposed to be the summer holiday of dreams - we’d hired a huge villa in rural Spain, gathered the whole family for our first trip away together in years, and spent months planning an itinerary that we were all giddy about.
A couple of hours into that holiday, a tragic accident occurred that resulted in my beautiful cousin, Blossom, passing away a few days later. As I’m sure you can imagine, the sense of grief and loss we all felt was immense. Blossom was just 4 - due to start primary school a few weeks later - and for a long time, it felt like we would never be able to move past the collective sense of sadness and despair.
At the time I did what I always do when I’m struggling or feel like I need some answers - I turned to books. Over the course of a couple of months I read pretty much every book about grief that Waterstones stocked - memoir, fiction and self-help alike. What I learnt from those books is all a bit of a blur now, but there’s one piece of advice I’ve always remembered, one that so many of the books placed great emphasis on - choose to look for the good.
Because when you experience such an unfair and unexplainable tragedy, it’s easy to turn inwards. It’s easy to spiral. It’s easy to let the sadness and grief turn into bitterness and cynicism. But choosing to look for the good taught me that even during the very worst times, there are always things to be grateful for. There are always things to celebrate. There is always a little bit of joy to cling onto.
Kind neighbours who dropped food off at the door when none of us could comprehend cooking. Friends who checked in every single day, even though they were going through a hard time themselves. The other kids playing in the garden, laughing and singing at the top of their voices. The way my family pulled even closer together, sharing tears and dark humour that nobody else understood.
The more I looked, the more good I could find. It felt hard at first, unnatural to want to even look for anything positive during such a scary and painful time. But the more I focused on those tiny little slithers of goodness, the more hope crept back into my heart. The more resilience I could muster. The more gratitude and love I could experience. Looking back, that tiny little mantra saved my sanity during the most difficult months of my life.
And I wanted to share it today because it’s not just when tragedy strikes that we need to look for the good - it’s every single day. Right now we are living in a world that has never felt more uncertain, and the fear associated with that is palpable. Almost everybody knows somebody who is struggling, and if you don’t, you only have to turn on the news to be greeted with unjust, unfair, and downright awful news stories from all over the world.
It would be so easy to let the negativity consume us. It would be so easy to become bitter or cynical, to expect the worst, to let worry take over the driving seat. But we must remember that amidst all of the sadness and horror and unfairness, there is still so much good. There are babies being born and people falling in love and memories being made. There are new charities and communities being formed and neighbours coming together for the first time and friendships being strengthened. There are sunrises and sunsets and rainbows and birdsong. There is so much good.
And so, as we continue to navigate these choppy waters, as we deal with the aftermath of this trying and testing time, try to remember to keep looking for the good. Try to remember to give all of the positives just as much weight in your mind as the negatives. Try to keep holding space in your heart for hope and joy and love. I promise you that even during the very worst of times, it will help.
